pro·found
[pruh-found]
adjective, pro·found·er, pro·found·est.
1. penetrating or entering deeply into
subjects of thought or knowledge; having deep insight or
understanding: a profound thinker.
2. originating in or penetrating to the
depths of one's being; profound grief.
3. being or going far beneath what is
superficial, external, or obvious: profound insight.
4. of deep meaning; of great and broadly
inclusive significance: a profound book.
5. pervasive or intense; thorough; complete:
a profound silence.
As you all know, I have a lot to
say about prematurity. But every year, I
get hung up on this day…Parents of Preemies Day. I think it’s the semantics of it all…are we
celebrating that we are proud of our preemies or proud of ourselves as parents
of preemies or both? I mean, I’m always
proud of Jack and how he has survived and handled all that has been thrown his
way because of his premature birth. But,
as I’ve said many times, I struggle because I don’t always feel “proud” of my role in Jack’s
prematurity. Not for any reason relating
to him but because I will forever and always feel guilty about his early birth. I shouldn’t, but I will. The guilt has lessened some, but I don’t think
it will every go away completely (From
Guilty to Grateful). Like I said, I
think it’s the semantics…the word proud.
I definitely feel that preemie parents deserve a special day, that is
for sure! In fact, I think parents of
preemies deserve a special cruise! Or a special
all-inclusive vacation! Anyway, it’s
obviously a personal issue of mine; I’m super proud of all the parents of
preemies that I know. (I wrote to/about
them last year: Dear
Preemie Parents)
So as I pushed the elevator button
for the dreaded 7th floor to go back to the NICU where Jack spent
his first months of life (to help celebrate and support new preemie/NICU
parents), I was wracking my brain for something to write about today. For as much as I struggle with the day, I can’t
let it pass by without writing something (or posting a Parents of Preemies Day
button to my FB wall). I didn’t think I would
write about being proud (of myself), but a comment that was left on my blog got
me thinking. She wrote:
“I don't know how a person can ever
"catch up" to such a scary, uncontrolled, profound experience. As
gorgeous as that little face is, it's not separate from the experience of his
birth, I imagine, a blessing and a nightmare all at the same time. But, oh, that
sweet boy and beautiful family that came out of that battle...in that, you are
so lucky, no matter what package it came in. I felt like your header told an
entire story before I even read your post! Thank you so much for sharing!!”
Brie Latini (from http://www.abreezylife.com/)
I have never actually met Brie, but
she said something that caused me to think a little differently about being
proud of myself. That word, profound, is
probably the best word I’ve ever heard used to describe my experience as a
parent of a preemie. I’ve used words
like traumatizing and miracle and sad and overjoyed and life-changing and
life-threatening. But, Brie, she picked
the word that I think I will forever use to describe this journey in one word
(if I’m ever asked to do so). A few
years ago, profound may not have been the word.
But it is now. And experiencing
something so profound and now consciously living my life based on this profound
experience has made me proud. I know I
am not the same person I was before Jack was born. Some might not like the new me, but I
do. Some might think that allowing
something as profound as prematurity to impact the rest of my life is somehow
wrong or inappropriate. I wholeheartedly
disagree. Parenting a preemie has
allowed me to let go of a lot of expectations about what life is supposed to be
like and has provided me the opportunity to respond to people in a different way
than I ever thought I would, especially others experiencing their own
profound events. So many don’t know the
right thing to say or do when the profound happens (particularly if the
profound is traumatic in nature). Many
mean well, but don’t get it quite right.
(I'm sure we've all read those "What not to say to preemie parents" posts. One of my favorites is by Jessi, at Life with Jack.) Profound, traumatic events make so many uncomfortable, that they will
say or do things to make themselves feel better and in turn, make the person in
need of support feel worse. I know I was
probably guilty of this more than once. But,
because of my own profound experience, I’ve learned to be ever mindful of what
I say and do, particularly to parents walking along paths similar to my own
journey. Do I always get it right? Of
course not. Even today, at our Parents
of Preemies/NICU Parents day event, a family arrived and my first reaction was
to say, “Hello! How are you?” and I immediately knew that was not exactly
the right question to ask a family of a 5-day old 27-weeker. So I made sure to be more deliberate and
mindful as I offered my support and asked if there was anything I could do to
help. I remember being in that same
position…but I don’t know if I can even now articulate what would be the best
or right thing to say. But I do know,
that listening and supporting (not downplaying or comparing, two things that
always made me feel worse instead of better) are two “methods” that I am proud
to be working on in order to be there for the newest members of our club (that
no one ever asks to join). You can read
more about this club at My
Little Virginia.
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| This is my friend Sara's little girl, Aubree! |
