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Saturday, May 11, 2013

Guilty to Grateful

Super Jack and me on my first Mother's Day.  He thought I was pretty cool! (2011)
          Today, Jack and I attended the Promise Walk for Preeclampsia for the first time.  Preeclampsia is the devastating disease of pregnancy that led to Jack’s early arrival, just 28 weeks into my first (and only) pregnancy.  Since Jack’s birth, I have carried a tremendous amount of guilt for not keeping him safe, for failing to stay pregnant.  The organizer began to list the sobering statistics, of mortality for mothers and babies, along with prematurity.   And I immediately thought to myself, “Was this a good idea, for me, to be reminded of the trauma of Jack’s early birth?  Do I need to feel guilty, even on Mother’s Day?”  It's not at the forefront of my mind as it used to be, but I am still more than tired of the negative impact preeclampsia and prematurity has had on our family's journey.  We only made it through 1/3 of the walk, due to rough terrain and weather.  On the way home, I decided that maybe I finally needed to stop feeling so guilty about Jack’s early arrival (as in, it was my fault) and start feeling grateful.  Because I am exactly that…grateful.  Jack amazes me every day.  I’m so grateful to be his mom.  
Jack and me during my 2nd Mother's Day (2012).

           In fact, I had an Oprah “aha” moment today when I realized that Jack’s early arrival doesn’t just have to be about my failing to keep him safe.  Instead of feeling so guilty, I can feel grateful.  To Jack.  Because his early arrival saved my life.  That little two-pound baby saved my life and then fought SO hard to save his own.  And he….HE made me a mother.  I am more than grateful that I get to be this little guy’s mommy.  I had very low expectations (for staying pregnant) when I became pregnant, back in 2010.  If I’m being honest, I didn’t even expect for my pregnancy to end with an actual baby.  I bought a single baby item during my pregnancy.  I had an underlying fear that there was something wrong with the baby; turns out there was something wrong with me.  Having no vision of being a mother or having a child, I’m simply in awe of the little boy I am blessed to call my son.  I think it’s more than appropriate to say, on my 3rd Mother’s Day – Behind every good mom is an amazing kid!  And get this…the amazing kid says I’m his FAVORITE*!  Happy Mother’s Day to ME!  And all of you…
He's my favorite, too!

*A conversation between Mommy and Jack a few days ago:

Jack: Mommy! Mommy! MOMMY!

Mommy: Why don't you ever say Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!

Jack (leans in for a hug): Favorite.  Mommy’s favorite. 



  1. I love this new perspective of yours. What an amazing way to think of pre-e!

  2. Lovely entry! Thanks for posting it on our wall (Preemie Resources). Having a preemie brings up such a mix of emotions but it makes me glad to watch as others go through the healing process with time, too :)