Flashback Friday: "Afraid to Love"

In my last post, I mentioned that my experience with holding Jack for the first time was not the bonding moment I thought it would be.  I didn’t feel peace and comfort; I felt afraid and anxious.  In fact, the first week or two of Jack’s life, I’m pretty sure I didn’t feel what a mother is “supposed” to feel when her child is born.  

Holding Jack for the first time, 10 days after his early arrival.

 I was so, so grateful to read Kasey Matthews’ book, Preemie, because I realized that I wasn’t the only parent of a premature baby to have unexpected emotions.  But, then again, none of our experience with pregnancy, childbirth or parenting has been what I expected.  I do know that I often felt intense guilt for not feeling what was expected.  I've realized that those "wrong" feelings were just a way to protect myself from even more heart ache.  (We were actually told at our 10 week ultrasound that the baby had a 50/50 chance of surviving, because the gestational sac was measuring too small.  Let's just say, I had been preparing myself for loss from the start.)  I've also discovered, as Jack grows (and especially right after his 1st birthday), the feelings that I was "supposed" to feel then have hit me even harder and are more raw than I ever imagined, and probably couldn't have handled at the time.  I feel more devastated about the circumstances of his birth NOW, than I did as they happened.  I'm sure there's some psychology behind that, I just don't know the correct terminology.  There’s a song that I used at the beginning of Jack’s video (2 pounds to 2 year).  It’s heartbreaking and not completely warm and fuzzy, and I debated using it because I didn’t want anyone to think that Jack makes me sad.  He doesn't, but what happened to him does.  His early arrival and fight for survival do still make my heart ache and this song expresses it so well. 

Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away?
And I'm so close to what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole
(All of Me – Matt Hammitt)

 Rest assured, this little boy has my whole heart now.