Dear Dr. R.

I really don't know how to thank my MFM doctor for helping me navigate this somewhat tumultuous pregnancy, but I tried. 

Dear Dr. R:

     At my first OB appointment with you, I sobbed when the nurse took my blood pressure and I told you I was scared.  Scared of preeclampsia, you probably thought.  But I was scared of so much more.  Scared of another conversation about saving my life and/or my baby’s.  Scared of leaving the hospital with empty arms again.  Scared of prematurity.  And of ROP and BPD and NEC.  Scared of bringing the NICU home, with NG tubes and O2 concentrators.  Scared of having to scrub-in to see my child and get permission just to touch her cheek.  Scared of leaving my son without a mommy and my husband without a wife.  Scared that my symptoms would be ignored again.  Scared of these things…and so many more. 

     So we skipped all the formalities of the typical first appointment and instead had a little chat about taking things week by week, appointment by appointment.  And that’s exactly what we did.  While the fear never did quite leave me, I managed to feel secure in the continuity and consistency of care that you (and the rest of the team) provided.  With every quick email response, every question answered, every visit complete, I breathed a sigh of relief that we had made it through one more appointment, one more week.  And I even started to believe that maybe, just maybe, I didn’t need to be as scared as I was. 

     Every pregnant woman deserves to have the kind of care I was provided this time.  I know that the words “thank you” can never express how truly grateful I am to you for that care and compassion you showed to a somewhat traumatized pregnant mom whose heart and mind were previously scarred by preeclampsia and prematurity, but I say thank you anyway.  Thank you for allowing me to be scared and validating my fears.  Thank you for catching my symptoms.  Thank you for helping me survive this pregnancy and avoid the NICU.  Thank you for giving my son a sister and my husband a little girl.  Thank you for helping me leave the hospital, my arms filled by our sweet Harper (and her crazy hair). 

Family of Four

Jack said tonight, “The four of us, we are family!”  So, I guess it’s time to announce that Jack is officially a…big car carrier owner!

Just kidding…but Jack, being his typical three-year old boy self, is probably a little more excited about this new addition to his vehicle collection than he is about the new addition to his family.    Either way, I thought it important to announce that Jack is also officially a big brother to sweet little Harper Kay who arrived, safely, on Monday, January 27.  She weighed 7 pounds 4 oz and measured 19 ¾ inches.  (There’s more to her story, but tonight’s post will be short).  

After a 5-day hospital stay, we are finally settling at home and getting good at being our family of four!  Jack is slowly adjusting and has been really sweet with little sister.  My heart and brain are still out of sorts from all that comes with a new little one, but if I could succinctly express what it feels like to have another baby after a preemie…well I can’t.  But these thoughts from Khalil Gibran might help:

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say "Nay, sorrow is the greater."

But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily, you are suspended like scales between sorrow and joy.

One of the things that came to mind today, as I gazed at our little Harper girl was, “I can’t believe I made you.”  And I was immediately reminded of the thoughts I had when I first laid eyes on our tiny boy, our hero, “I can’t believe I did this to you.”    Both thoughts came from intense love for my babes…one from sorrow…one from joy.  Either way, both the sorrow and the joy…and the babes are worth it all.